Time to get back to business!!

What up faithful readers?? Long time no blog!! Stay tuned for some new posts that I promise to be totally rad!! (I'm bringing Val Speak back baby!!)

These are a few of my favorite words....

Love:

The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.

It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:

That word is love.

-Sophocles

Or as defined by my favorite online dictionary, Urban Dictionary:

nature's way of tricking people into reproducing

Here are some more great words to add to your vocabulary today!

Buddy whoring: People who randomly collect "friends" on Facebook or other social sites in which they have no idea who the hell they are.

Jay is buddy whoring again. He has requested all of my friends that he doesn't even know!

Farting at a fan: 1) Harming one's self, usually unintentionally or without knowledge of doing so. 2) Similar to saying "you are only hurting yourself." 3) Similar to phrase "shooting yourself in the foot."

Fred: "I got really annoyed at work today, so I told my boss to shut up."
Andy: "That's just farting at a fan, man."

Manolescent: noun: A man of any age that shirks adult responsibilities.

***We all know one, no examples will be posted as not to offend the offending manolescents.

  

Mind Over Bladder: The power to be able to suppress any urination needs regardless of the urgency and pain it may cause. ***nurses do this a lot!!!***

Joe: Dude! Stop the car! I REALLY need to take a piss right now!!
Pete: No can do, man! Just use your mind over bladder!

Floss d'oevres: The food remnants that are collected by flossing which for the most part are covertly re-eaten by the owner since spitting them across the room would be regarded as tacky and vulgar.

John: Did you just eat the crap you pulled from your teeth with that flossing stick Fab??
Fab: And why not?? No reason to waste a good floss d'oeuvres boy

***We all have a Fab we try to avoid while eating!

Regret ceiling: (noun) - The point at which one stops feeling remorseful regarding a thought, comment or action.

I hit the regret ceiling last night regarding my comment toward Jody's weight several weeks ago. Her fat ass just needs to get over it.

AND MY FAVORITE:

SECOND HANDER: Someone who gets their ideas, opinions and values exclusively form society and from others as opposed to getting: an idea from within oneself; a value from a personal rational process; an opinion from an experience.

***aka Headline Spouter; I know a lot of these un-original people that cannot think for themselves, express themselves as original, and try to look smart. I got your number and you know who you are!

Hello again, hello....

Sorry for the brief hiatus....work seems to be getting in the way with my blogging. Throw the family in and I can't get anything written. So....today shall be a day of multiple posts....or at least this one!

It's been a busy work week full of inspiration of the gifting kind. Not that I'm not busy at work or anything like that, I just seem to stumble across things randomly. And here are a few of the "random" findings I think could possibly make fantastic Secret Santa gifts if you are participating at work!!

Our first wonderful gift idea was generated by my friend Caz. He has two favorite words, one being priapism (you can look that up) and the other bezoar! (Just an FYI: one of mine is piloerection!)

BEZOAR:

 A clump or wad of swallowed food and/or hair. Bezoars can sometimes be found to cause blockage of the digestive system, especially at the exit of the stomach.

When a bezoar is composed of hair, it is referred to as a hairball or trichobezoar. When a bezoar is composed of vegetable materials, it is referred to as a phytobezoar or foodball. When a bezoar is composed of hair and food it is referred to as a trichophytobezoar or hairy foodball.

Pretty disgusting, huh? Well....what is really cool is when these things get old inside certain animals, they can become coated and end up looking like rocks! Caz is such a great friend, I told him that I would get him one for Christmas....all the while thinking, "If anything, they would be on EBay, but who the hell would want to sell anything like that?" Well....apparently lots of people want to sell bezoars and petrified mermaids and lions and tigers and bears, oh my!!

It's a llama bezoar....
Country of Origin: Plurinational State of Bolivia.
Size (maximum by minimum): 0.96 cm. by 0.80 cm.
Color: As in photos.
Shape: A tight polyhedron cluster of lage-sized balls.
Physical Appearance: A solid black cluster of blistered, matt, intact balls. This is a really beautiful specimen.
$60.00
Let's just say that the last thing I want to display in my house is a cluster of blistered, matt, intact balls....

Betcha can't guess what this is?? No, really, you will NEVER guess....

Elephant Semen Pearl

These are rare Elephant semen pearls and could be a fossilised form of the semen, nevertheless, they are indeed a valuable occultist tool. Most Indonesian shamans use these for empowering love potions. They can be kept in pure aromatic oils to transfer energy from the pearl into the oils, this oil can then be worn on the user to increase their personal magnetism which will give the user a strong magnetic force for attracting the opposite sex.

If used in the creation of Love potions we recommend further empowering these with a specific mantra to increase the power of your potions. These types of pearls are good for Attraction/Enchanting powers for attracting the opposite sex, attracting ones soul mate and attracting those one desires.

 Yours for only $2084.57....all I'm saying is that if a guy drops this in his front pocket, it's sure to attract a few glances!! "Is that elephant semen in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"

I know you think this is crazy, but it really is a mermaid fossil. Seriously, it is. See the tail??

 It has the following  Magical Virtues:

Powers of Attraction/Enchantment, Youth & Beauty, Powers of influence, Occult/Magickal Powers, Healing, Longevity & Regeneration, Personal Magnetism, Charismatic Presence, Attracts Love, Attracts Luck, Business Success, Improves Social Standings, Wards of Psychic Attacks and Black Magick.

My only question is if it really works on psychics? I mean, really, wouldn't a psychic know if I had a mermaid....duh, they are psychic. And why attack me if I have said mermaid??? Yours for only $3207.02. (Yes, people spend money on this crap!)

Oh, yes I did!! That's right....a real dragon....I shit you not!! Check this description out!!

Complete Crystal Dragon Fossil: This one is extremely large, heavy and defined. It is a complete form of the ancient dragon from head to tail. Key features of the face, such as the eyes, horns and mouth are clearly visible.

Words cannot express the beauty of this object, and therefore we strongly recommend that serious buyers visit us directly for this one. Although we can ship this large fossil, a transaction this large requires personal viewing. We suggest interested parties to submit these pictures to independent psychics for your own personal verification.

Serious buyers can negotiate with us directly, if the price is acceptable we will release this one of a kind to the lucky individual. We have set the first offer price at

This is 100% crystal fossil of ancient dragon!

Um, yep....there was no price, it's priceless!! Priceless!! And, yes, I will be verifying it with my own psychic before I spend $192,421.46!

Oh, those kids!

I'm a night worker with a bad sleeping pattern. I was finally sleeping.

My kids just jarred me awake by slamming the door and screaming, "I'M HOME!!" Writing cannot convey the bone jarring slam, nor the headache inducing scream at 8000 decibles.

They ruined it. For you. Those jerks. I was going to wake up and write something fun for Friday.

Not now. I'll just leave you with this.

What's red and hurts your face?

A brick.

What's brown and hurts your face?

Another brick.

Misinterpretations 2.0--Song Lyrics or How I Can Ruin Pretty Much Any Song for You If You Read This Post

Instead of elaborating much, I'll just give you the song, you sing along:

For my friend Aynat....when her little sister used to sing "Eat Beaver Walnuts" to this one!

And for Ynnek...."She Just Broke Wind"

 

For EimaJ...."Hold Me Closer Tony Danza!"

"Take your pants off....and make it happen....you can come and fly and your dancing with my wife"

 

"Bacon Carrot Biscuits"

 

"Wrapped up like a douche, another boner in the night"

"My anus is the center hole, my anus is the center hole"

"Shake it like a polar bear ninja"

I can go on....and on....and on.....

Got a song someone ruined for you....post it in the comments section!!

Misinterpretations 1.0--Drugs

Next....this post is all about saying the wrong thing. If you all don't know, I'm a nurse. A "Nauti Nurse" for that matter. (mental note: blog about funny boat names) All "us nurses" love to find humor in our jobs and one of those things is when our patients ask for drugs. There are so many ways that they do it too....

You've got the person that has been on every single narcotic possible and you know damn well that they know damn well exactly what they want and when they can have it. They "just happen" to push the call light when the next available dose is about three minutes away from being available. They set their alarms. They watch the clock. They can be sound asleep and snoring through a tonado and next minute their pain is a 10/10 on the pain scale. It's okay, though. You see, I have a chart and I write notes to doctors. So we know what's up dude....we know!!

Then you have the person that you really want to give something to, but you can't because it would be unethical. Sometimes I think, "Please, just ask for something!!!" Not just pain meds, but sleepers, anxiety meds, suppositiories even....ugh!!!

Then you have my favorite drug requstor....the one that just can't get the pronunciation right. I love those people. My favorite drug is "Dilautin" aka Dilaudid and not to be confused with Dilantin. They are asking for the pain med, not the seizure control drug. Then we have "Avitan" aka Ativan. Narcan for Norco....which is kind of funny if you are a nurse!! I also love giving out "Vicotin" aka Vicodin. Ampeen for Ambien....I have no idea where that one came from!!

http://www.ismp.org/tools/confuseddrugnames.pdf

Well....apparently this is a very common thing and the Institute for Safe Medical Practice actually has a list of drugs and what they are confused for. I have to laugh at some of the things on the list....of course I went straight to Viagra....common mistak is Allegra???  Roxinol for Roxicet...which reminds me of Roxette.....

THIS BLOG IS BLOWIN' UP!!!

Oh. Em. Gee!! I have doubled my membership wish! THIRTEEN subscribers!!! So busy over here in Blogland, things are coming at me left and right. I was even quoted on another person's blog. This is CRAZEE!!

Anyway....I'd like to make a huge announcement. I've recruited a Director of Marketing, Assilem....aka Assim....aka...my biggest fan!! AND my husband married her. Yes, he married her! How cool is that??? See the pic below....that's her, in the dress. The other guys are her husband and my husband.



p.s. Assim....you better do your damn job....this isn't a joke!! I expect numbers....numbers baby!! And quality. I want the best readers, the best commenters, the best and only the best!!