Why I HATE Shopping

Shopping sucks. I don't care if it's for me, my kids, grocery shopping or shopping for a car. It SUCKS! There's always that anticipation of, "Oh, this could be the day I send a crapload of money and come out looking like a million bucks." Then the reality hits....I'm going to spend a crapload of money, buy a few things, regret my purchases and have to deal with the morons that piss me off the whole time.

So....I start out with The Gap. I've lost a bit of weight so the jeans that I have that are practically three sizes too big need to be replaced. I try on the jeans the lady suggests. My FIRST EVER pair of skinny jeans and I look FABULOUS!! (Said in my best Dad from the Family Guy voice) I don't EVEN look back, head to the counter and that's where I receive my first whammy! Let's just say, for the price I've paid for these jeans, I better be mistaken for Kim Kardashian from behind.

Next, it's on to Vic's. Time to replace the over the shoulder boulder holders. The good news...I'm wearing a smaller size!! Yay for smaller gigantic boobs!! I'm able to wear one of them there sechsy brazzieres....so I throw two in the bag, grab some cute drawers and head to the register. There I see the cashier who says to me, "Wow!! You look great now!!" I do the DeNiro look around....is she talking to me?? We "make eye contact" (mental note: Send note to Vic's girl on Lost Connections) and she says to me, "Isn't that the most comfortable bra ever?" I know I got this look on my face like WTH...."Um, not really." To which she replies, "Oh, okay." And goes ahead bundling up my dainties. I pay, say thanks and then ask, "What were you talking about just a second ago?" She says, "The new bra you have on, you look great, lifted, you know?" All the while her cute blonde bubbly hair bouncing and her glitter eyeliner sparkling. I shake my head and walk out....wearing the exact damn bra I had on when I WALKED IN THE STORE!!! Ladies....DO NOT LET YOU MAN FALL FOR THE VIC'S SALES TACTICS!!!

Onto a few other stores where I start to sweat in places I don't even what to name, but you can figure out for yourselves. And not only am I sweating, but the sweater I have on is part wool and I'm starting to itch....

Get into the car and go to Kroger....turn into the parking lot where I almost rear end some obese, Whopper eating, foo-foo coffee drinking, van driving moron. (Thanks for the vent.) Anyway, this is where I need to interject the story and officially say that I am patenting the name "Jack Ass Parker" or JAP. So, now being called a JAP is not politically incorrect! Yay for being politically correct!!Anyway, I'm right behind this woman, watching her eat and slurp down about 2000 calories in one meal. I actually sat there long enough to watch her eat because I honestly was stuck. I couldn't move, she had to eat, what was I to do? The creepy thing was that the whole time I was behind her, she was watching me. (mental note: send note to JAP on Lost Connections....or not) So you know that you are blocking someone by pure laziness and you WATCH? I finally get around her and you know what that JAP does, starts up her damn van and drives out of the parking lot? I guess when you want to have a great lunch, you eat in the fire lane of Kroger!! Yay for lunches in the fire lane!! Then I went in and bought cooking oil and cupcakes....which I ate and drank in the fire lane of Kroger....BEST. LUNCH. EVER.

Then there comes the exit of the Kroger parking lot. I saw a murdered out Saturn Vue. Really? Why, yes. (Mom, this means it's tricked out!) ((My mom is cool....she has a tricked out Honda!)) Anyway....I just Google'd "Murdered Out Saturn Vue" and got no hits, so I should be impressed that this may just be the only one in existence, right? Well....I'm not impressed. I used to drive a Vue too. And, really, they aren't cool cars, they are PRACTICAL station wagons! (Owners: check your registration, they are indeed station wagons!) I don't get it....really I don't. The amount of money you spent doing that to your car, you could have EASILY bought, say, a really cool car, kept it clean and maybe put a tree air freshener in it and looked better than you do now.

<five minute time out to find a picture of a Vue>

My apologies to any Vue owners, apparently they ARE cool. Ludacris owns this one with a amped up sound system so that the approximately 12 square feet of space inside can be REALLY LOUD!!



Then there's this beaut....876 hits on superstreetonline.com for Tek's 2006 Vue....and there is something about the angled shot that just makes this car soooooo sechsy!!








Apparently when you "bling out" your Vue, it's really cool to keep your coin collection in the back too!